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Post by rocklord2004 on Jul 23, 2003 21:57:51 GMT -5
i just thought everybody could use a laugh so heres some messed upp headlines.
Connie Tied, Nude Policeman Testifies
toxic diapers found in wash
yellow snow studied to test nutrition
body search reveals $4000 in crack
county wants money for taking dump
april slated as child abuse month
Thats all for now. more funny stuff to come.
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Post by Rauru on Jul 23, 2003 23:12:55 GMT -5
Alright here's some for you.
Things not to say to a cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in
Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they ar! e.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look
glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
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Post by al'Lan Mandragoran on Jul 24, 2003 17:43:50 GMT -5
1. Bad cop! NO doughnut!
2. Ya know, if I was a cop, I'd arrest me too.
3. I swear to drunk officer, I'm not God!
4. Those bottles are full of piss, I promise.
5. Doesn't DD stand for drunken driver??
6. Oh, yeah? Well, I'm a member of D.A.M.M- Drunks Against Mad Mothers!
7. The dude in front's more drunk than me, he's swerving all over the road. Yes, it looks that way from this angle too!
8. I had no idea that was in the trunk.
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Post by rocklord2004 on Jul 28, 2003 17:01:50 GMT -5
twas the night before christmas- old santa was pissed
he cussed out the elves and threw down his list
miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
i have a good mind to scrap the whole works
ive busted my butt for darn near a year
instead of "thanks santa"- what do i hear
the old lady crabs because i work late at night
the elves want more money- the raindeer all fight
rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
donner is pregnant and vixen has aids
and just when i thought things would get better
those beggers from irs sent me a letter
the say i owe taxes - if that aint funny
who ever sent santa claus any money
and the kids these days- sly as cats
they want the impossible... those mean the little brats
i spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
assembling dolls.. their arms, legs, and heads
i made a ton of yo yo's.. no request for them
they want computers and robots... they think im ibm
they pull on my nose- they grab at my beard
and if i dont smile... the parents think i am weird
flying through the air... dodging the trees
falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
im quitting this job... theres just no enjoyment
ill sit on my fat butt and draw unemployment
theres no christmas this year... now you know the reason
i found me a blonde... im going south for the season.
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Post by al'Lan Mandragoran on Jul 29, 2003 11:00:12 GMT -5
Ooh. Tha's good
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Post by renewal on Jul 29, 2003 18:23:25 GMT -5
I am not good at being funny. I have tried, but it doesn't seem to work out too well.
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Post by Shiro on Jul 30, 2003 2:35:50 GMT -5
Yeah we've noticed.
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Post by Shiro on Jul 30, 2003 2:59:17 GMT -5
Things not to do at a funeral[/i]
1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you
2. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
3. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
4. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
5. Show up in a clown suit.
6. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
7. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
8. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
9. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
10. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
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Post by al'Lan Mandragoran on Jul 30, 2003 18:03:57 GMT -5
Bunbun's my kid. that should constitute absoulte humor...or chaos. .I haven't figured which....
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Post by Rauru on Jul 30, 2003 23:31:52 GMT -5
What's the difference between an Mac and a doorstop? About 4.5kg. What's the difference between an iMac and a doorstop? iMacs have handles. Why did the koala fall out of the tree? It was dead. What's brown and sticky? A stick A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?".  |
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Post by al'Lan Mandragoran on Jul 31, 2003 9:53:05 GMT -5
Well. Okay then....
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Post by rocklord2004 on Jul 31, 2003 12:41:09 GMT -5
who was the first person to look at a cow and say "hmm i think ill go squeeze those dangaly things and drink whatever comes out"
you can be overwhelmed and you can be overwhelmed but can you just be whelmed.
when cheese gets it picture taken what does it say
when you lose your temper shouldnt you be happy
if blind people wear dark glasses, why dont deaf people wear earmuffs
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Post by rocklord2004 on Jul 31, 2003 12:50:36 GMT -5
Two good lawyer friends are having a nice stroll through a wooded area. They dont walk more than a hundred feet before they spot a vicious grizzly bear hungry for blood. The first lawyer quickly pops open his briefcase and puts on his running shoes. His buddy looks at him and says "You are nuts buddy that bear will catch you in a second!" His buddy looks back at him and says "I dont have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
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Post by rocklord2004 on Jul 31, 2003 12:55:28 GMT -5
Windows 2000 Error Messages
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
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Post by Shiro on Jul 31, 2003 19:45:04 GMT -5
You know you're addicted to coffee when..[/b]
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You sleep with your eyes open.
- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
- The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
- You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
- You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
- You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- You channel surf faster without a remote.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
- You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
- Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
- You ski uphill.
- You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
- You answer the door before people knock.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
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